Saturday, January 23, 2010
Hitting the Wall
In running a marathon, there's something called "hitting the wall". You're near the end, almost done, and your body just runs out of energy, you become very fatigued and confusing, and feel like you can't go on. In the last 2 days, I feel like I've all of a sudden hit the wall with this pregnancy.
The irony is I was telling people just a week ago, and earlier this week, how good it felt to finally have some energy back, and that it was the best I've felt in months. Until sometime Thursday, it was true. I don't know if it's hormones, exhaustion, depression, or probably some combination of the three, but I'm at the point right now where I'm partially tired of being pregnant and wanting to get it over with, and partially scared I will go into labor early and not be at all ready for it.
All of the fears and things I've been mostly ignoring are hitting hard right now. One of the biggest ones is that I'll have a bad post partum depression. I was hospitalized for major depression and anxiety about a year ago, and have been in therapy and on and off meds since, so I already know I'm at risk. I was having pretty bad antenatal depression [depression while pregnant] a few months ago, along with increasing anxiety and panic attacks, but it eased up for a month or so after leaving my job and losing that stress factor [I was back on meds briefly, but they made things worse, so I discontinued them after a few weeks]. I think that may be what's causing a lot of this, but I am so afraid I won't know what to do or won't be a good mom. If it wasn't for having my mind made up to breastfeed, I could totally see myself just leaving after the baby is born - I don't know where I'd go, but it's so appealing to just walk away from everything sometimes.
I also feel like I'll never get the house ready for the baby at this rate. There is so much clutter and junk in almost every room, and nowhere to put it. I could really use help in moving some of it, but my husband sees it as all my problem, even when some of the boxes and bags I have to get rid of are heavier than I can move. He wants it clean, but is going through stuff after me and picking out things that we "have to" keep, or refusing to get rid of excess furniture. We have 2 beds we have no room for & don't use, but they were "given to us" and he's afraid it'll hurt someone's feelings to give them away, even though nobody will be here to see they are gone, because it is too messy to have visitors over at all. I know all the clutter is part of what's making things so bad, because it is just depressing to live with and is overwhelming to face on my own. I'm just worried I won't be able to get things straight before the baby is born and I really don't want him to have to deal with all this mess and stuff around as he gets older.
I sat in the living room crying for 2 hours yesterday because I felt so lonely, while my husband was holed up in the bedroom with the door shut on the computer or watching television. This has been normal for us over the past several months - I'm in one end of the house, and he's in the other with the door closed [he was locking it for a while, supposedly to keep the dog out, until I got pissed and took the doorknob off with a screwdriver]. I guess he doesn't realize how it makes me feel, but I'm afraid to tell him because I know he'd think I was being stupid, and probably just go on ignoring me anyway. The man can't function unless he's in front of a television screen, and I hate having it on all the time [the bad thing is it's videotapes of old 80s/90s movies and shows - we shut off our satellite years ago, because I thought it would help the problem].
I'm just worrying about everything now. We went to the doctor's yesterday to have the 3D/4D ultrasound, which I thought would make me feel better. I wanted to see the baby;'s face, to make things seem more "real", and was really needing that reassurance. He's already turned anterior though, so we never saw his face [even from the sides, his hands & feet were in the way]. That's bothering me a lot more than it probably should, because it's like the crazy part of my brain is taking that and running with it and going "OMG, bad omen", even though it should really be a good thing that he's in the right position already.
I'm just wondering if this is something normal that hits around 8 months, or if it is the depression trying to take back over. I'll be making another appointment with my psychiatrist soon, and will talk to him about all this, but it will probably be another week or so before I can, because money is really tight and my husband's insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment so I'm having to pay out of pocket.
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