Saturday, June 19, 2010
Post-Partum Depression Is More than A Bad F**king Day
Of course, that's the problem with the internet. Too many people think they're experts on things they know nothing about, and love to tell those who are experiencing or living something that they don't really know what they're going through. I really feel sorry for the mothers who may read some of this debate, decide they should just "man up and deal with it", and fail. There are times that mind over matter doesn't work too well, and when your mind is what's broken, it's pretty hard for it to fix itself. It'd be one thing it this was some little petty issue, but ignoring PPD or failing to fix it in your own can just make you feel even more inadequate and even further depressed, and could feed the voices that say the best way out is to remove yourself or the baby from the picture. It's just another thing to add to the list of failures and "not good enoughs" that constantly run through your head.
Oh, we also don't need people with no fracking clue telling us how we must feel, or what must be wrong with us. I don't know what particular blend of ignorance and asshatery it took to come up with the theory that we feel like this because we don't have a bond with our babies, but the opposite is true for many of us. There are a lot of moments I'm reminded how much I love my son, and how sweet & wonderful & perfect he is, and then I feel sorry because he has such a screw-up for a mother. We're not sitting around saying "OMG, I hate my baby,". Yes, many of us our honest about frustration and needing a break at times, but even the worst of the scary thought are often because we are so attached and love them so damn much. It's not "oh, life would be so convenient if I drowned my kid, shot myself in the head, or ran away from everything". It's more like "I'm a horrible mother, and he deserves so much better, so maybe I should find a way to stop it all before I totally screw him up" - not all that hard to imagine when you're feeling both incompetent as a parent and human being and totally batshit insane at the same time.
It's also a whole lot more than just frustration and being overwhelmed with parenthood; it's pretty much everything in life. For me, it's being sad and crying over nothing, constantly being edgy and pissed off over nothing, and having very few emotions in between. It's also about staying up unable to sleep even when there's a chance to, then fighting to stay awake even though you're nodding in and out because it's the middle of the day, you're home alone with the baby, and you're scared to death something bad will happen to him if you go to sleep (but also scared you'll be the "something bad" if you don't get some rest). It's about feeling guilty about everything, and totally inept, crying so hard you get dizzy because you're stuck in the bathroom and he's crying and you can't get to him. It's going days without a shower because you can't leave him long enough to take one and you don't have the energy or motivation to once your husband gets home, or passing out during the day because you're not eating at all. Not being able to concentrate or hold a conversation. Having problems breastfeeding because your body is not making enough milk while stressed out, sleep deprived, and underfed, yet resisting going on medications because you don't want to taint the small amount of milk you are able to feed your baby.
It's also about the "rest" of your life. Losing your job because you can't concentrate and cry all day long worrying about your child being out of your sight. Killing your relationship with your husband because you have no sex drive, are emotional and irritable all the time, and you feel like it's pissing him off when you need a break and ask him to hold the baby for more than an hour, but you can't tell him why because he'd have you committed himself if he knew half the shit that was going through your head. And that's the worst part - you keep it to yourself. You don't tell people because you're afraid of what they'll think, afraid you'll end up in a mental hospital, afraid you'll lose your kids. You can't even talk about it with other moms, because you're all trying to wear the perfectly happy mommy face and you don't want to be the one to break the facade. Apparently, you have to even watch where you blog about it. And all this time, it just keeps getting worse, you keep trying to pull yourself together and get over it on your own, and you find yourself slipping further into the darkness and hope you're not dragging the rest of your family with you
Some links on this blog may be affiliate links, for which a receive a percentage of the purchase price. See disclosure policy here.
Post Topics & Labels
mental health blog dare 2012 life pregnancy clutter fitness parenthood robbie activism childbirth education doctors feminism toddler antics family fat flylady sponsored choices goals health hospital midwife motherhood work birth birth plan breastfeeding husband stuff that sucks wtf do I even put this under? discrimination frustration ignorance menu plan nesting politics about cleaning cooking crafts critters fml goodbye dreams images of women/children inspiration marriage pinterest running television trying new things unsolicited advice whuck wordless wednesday writing assault biking birth story books culture dogs freelance freelancing fulfilling more redneck stereotypes garden guest post healthcare injuries messes money organization pets rape really? recipes roller derby scare tactics school support swimming ups vaccines wierd baby products worldess wednesday