Thursday, June 3, 2010
I could sleep all day if it wasn't for having to feed and change the baby, and I've spent a couple days pretty much just chilling in bed with him, only waking up enough to do that. which is not fair to him because he's not getting played with and talked to like he needs when I'm like that. I still haven't gone back to work yet, and part of me is scared to - I'm worried how people will react since I've been go so long and now I'll be working with baby in tow, but I'm also afraid I'm not together enough to do my job and I really don't want to screw up where someone's house is concerned. I haven't done much decluttering either, so there's still a lot of housework I should be doing, but I'm finding myself getting sidetracked or giving up because even the little steps are seeming like too much. I've slacked off on running and exercising too, because I just feel drained and am waking up with sore muscles and joints even when I've done nothing. In other things, I am/was close to giving up on both my marriage and life in general. I've thought so many times about leaving my husband, and sometimes walking away and leaving the baby too, because I'm afraid of hurting or neglecting him. I'm not sure if this is PPD or regular depression coming back, or if there's even a difference between the two, but I know I need to get up before 4 or 5, make a phone call, and get my butt to the shrink's office.
I'm sort of in limbo because I'm not having actual suicidal thoughts (ie, wanting or planning to do it), but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I've had a lot of that over the past several months, even before the baby was born, and one of the biggest things that's kept me from dwelling on it is knowing that he needs me around, and that if I wasn't in the picture he'd be in daycare all day or left with people I don't really want raising him, because my husband has to work. It is also one of the reasons I've been so stubborn about breastfeeding - that's something else I have to stick around to provide for him. On the other hand, I am so afraid of hurting him or passing some of my mental issues on, and sometimes I think he'd be better off without me.
I tried to talk to my husband about things some last week, but he just doesn't get it. The first time, I was having a real bad time with depressive feelings and had two panic attacks that day, and was just not functioning very well. I had to drive the baby to a doctor's appointment and was crying most've the drive, because I was so freaked out by having to drive (I was in a very bad car wreck last year that required surgery, and in a minor one right before I had the baby). I was tense because of all that, and told him I was going to wait before I drove home because there was a thunderstorm and I needed to calm down instead of trying to drive through it. He gets mad when I don't explain everything, or go along with what he wants when he wants, so he asked me why I was being "such a bitch" the last few days. I told him it was because I kept thinking about either killing myself or leaving, and he asked me if I had made up my mind yet, so he knew which sort of lawyer to call. I was already crying and shaking, and it took me about an hour before I could calm down enough to drive.
We avoided eachother most of that evening, which was probably for the best, then my sister called and we spent the weekend with her, so we had to act like things were OK and didn't really talk about much then. We did finally talk a little about our relationship and all of the things that were going on, but we have a lot more work to do if things are going to work out (some of the "issues" go back years). He came up with the idea to try to spend at least 30 minutes a day talking to eachother, away from the TV, computer, etc, and I think that will help if we stick to it. Now I just have to work on the other things in life too - work, the house, and the baby, but I feel like if he'll be more supportive instead of dragging me down and making me feel bad that it'll help a lot with the depression and anxiety in general, because 2/3 of my "triggers" anymore are from things he says or does.
I know I'm probably in not the best relationship right now, but things are good most of the time, so I want to make it work. We love eachother, and he's good with the baby. He wouldn't hurt me intentionally, and I think he's just now realizing that he has, and at first it made him angry with me for reacting that way, but now he's seeing that it's not my fault that I get upset or feel put down or threatened by certain things. He never really learned what a loving or respectful relationship is (his father is an alcoholic, a womanizer and was verbally/emotionally and physically abusive to him and his mother both), and I have some issues from my own past, so we're trying to recognize and work through them so we can have a decent relationship, and so we don't repeat the same mistakes with our son.
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