Thursday, June 3, 2010

Struggling

I haven't been posting much because I just can't seem to get my body and mind in gear lately. I'm thinking a lot of it may be depression related, but my psychiatrist appointment is another one of those things I keep putting off, forgetting, or thinking I won't both with because nothing matters or will change things (and while I know that's not really true, it's how I keep thinking about things, and making it so easy to procrastinate and go back to trying to sleep through life).

I could sleep all day if it wasn't for having to feed and change the baby, and I've spent a couple days pretty much just chilling in bed with him, only waking up enough to do that. which is not fair to him because he's not getting played with and talked to like he needs when I'm like that. I still haven't gone back to work yet, and part of me is scared to - I'm worried how people will react since I've been go so long and now I'll be working with baby in tow, but I'm also afraid I'm not together enough to do my job and I really don't want to screw up where someone's house is concerned. I haven't done much decluttering either, so there's still a lot of housework I should be doing, but I'm finding myself getting sidetracked or giving up because even the little steps are seeming like too much.  I've slacked off on running and exercising too, because I just feel drained and am waking up with sore muscles and joints even when I've done nothing. In other things, I am/was close to giving up on both my marriage and life in general. I've thought so many times about leaving my husband, and sometimes walking away and leaving the baby too, because I'm afraid of hurting or neglecting him. I'm not sure if this is PPD or regular depression coming back, or if there's even a difference between the two, but I know I need to get up before 4 or 5, make a phone call, and get my butt to the shrink's office.

I'm sort of in limbo because I'm not having actual suicidal thoughts (ie, wanting or planning to do it), but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I've had a lot of that over the past several months, even before the baby was born, and one of the biggest things that's kept me from dwelling on it is knowing that he needs me around, and that if  I wasn't in the picture he'd be in daycare all day or left with people I don't really want raising him, because my husband has to work. It is also one of the reasons I've been so stubborn about breastfeeding - that's something else I have to stick around to provide for him. On the other hand, I am so afraid of hurting him or passing some of my mental issues on, and sometimes I think he'd be better off without me.


I tried to talk to my husband about things some last week, but he just doesn't get it. The first time, I was having a real bad time with depressive feelings and had two panic attacks that day, and was just not functioning very well. I had to drive the baby to a doctor's appointment and was crying most've the drive, because I was so freaked out by having to drive (I was in a very bad car wreck last year that required surgery, and in a minor one right before I had the baby). I was tense because of all that, and told him I was going to wait before I drove home because there was a thunderstorm and I needed to calm down instead of trying to drive through it. He gets mad when I don't explain everything, or go along with what he wants when he wants, so he asked me why I was being "such a bitch" the last few days. I told him it was because I kept thinking about either killing myself or leaving, and he asked me if I had made up my mind yet, so he knew which sort of lawyer to call. I was already crying and shaking, and it took me about an hour before I could calm down enough to drive.

We avoided eachother most of that evening, which was probably for the best, then my sister called and we spent the weekend with her, so we had to act like things were OK and didn't really talk about much then. We did finally talk a little about our relationship and all of the things that were going on, but we have a lot more work to do if things are going to work out (some of the "issues" go back years). He came up with the idea to try to spend at least 30 minutes a day talking to eachother, away from the TV, computer, etc, and I think that will help if we stick to it. Now I just have to work on the other things in life too - work, the house, and the baby, but I feel like if he'll be more supportive instead of dragging me down and making me feel bad that it'll help a lot with the depression and anxiety in general, because 2/3 of my "triggers" anymore are from things he says or does.

I know I'm probably in not the best relationship right now, but things are good most of the time, so I want to make it work. We love eachother, and he's good with the baby. He wouldn't hurt me intentionally, and I think he's just now realizing that he has, and at first it made him angry with me for reacting that way, but now he's seeing that it's not my fault that I get upset or feel put down or threatened by certain things. He never really learned what a loving or respectful relationship is (his father is an alcoholic, a womanizer and was verbally/emotionally and physically abusive to him and his mother both), and I have some issues from my own past, so we're trying to recognize and work through them so we can have a decent relationship, and so we don't repeat the same mistakes with our son.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, so sorry to hear that things are so bad. I can certainly relate to how you feel when you're depressed: how hard it is to get up, to care for the baby, how hard it makes everything else. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. :( And I'm so sorry that your relationship is making things so much worse instead of helping out. I do hope you go see your psychiatrist. For me it made all the difference in the world--truly. Especially if you are having suicidal thoughts at all I urge you to call your doc ASAP. In my experience, that's a dangerous place to be, and like you said, your baby really needs you around! And you deserve to be happy and to enjoy mommyhood. Your baby would in no way be better off without you. Losing you would be devastating beyond words for him and would affect him for life. I remember feeling much as you do--sure that I could never be good for my baby, sure that she'd be better off without me. The best thing I ever did was to get better. Now I know without a doubt that I am SO good for her. Some day you'll know that too. You can get better, and when you do, you'll be amazed when you look in your little one's eyes and see trust and joy and love looking back at you. Your love for your babe shines through in everything you write. This will get better--I promise!

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  2. I want to reach through the computer and hug you because I feel like you need that. Please, please go see your doctor. You can't take care of your son if you don't take care of yourself. And he needs you. In no way would he be better off without you, his mama. Hang in there!

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  3. How have I not found your blog before! We seem to have so much in common. Depression, anxiety, cluttering/hoarding problems, interests in breastfeeding and crunchy and feminist topics.

    I'm sorry to hear about your current depression. I always try to remember that it will pass. No matter how bad it feels, it passes. Sleep when you need to. Try not to stress so much about your job. Remind yourself that in a year or two, your fears about what your co-workers are thinking about you will be long over. Your energy and motivation will eventually come back, and you will feel capable to do your job again.

    I'm also sorry to hear about your struggles with your husband. It is very difficult for some men to understand depression. I hope he can learn to be more supportive. Would he consider seeing a counselor about your relationship and how to deal with a depressed spouse? You could both see the same counselor separately or together.

    I wish you the patience to weather this storm. I've subscribed to your blog and I'm looking forward to reading your backlog as well as hearing if you start to feel better or worse.

    As the famous motivational poster says: Hang in there!

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  4. Thanks for the comments. I'm doing a little better now, but sometimes it seems like it's easier to talk about things online than in person, because I feel so weird opening up to a lot of the people I know around here.

    I am going to make an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, so I should get in to see him sometime next week. The hubby and I talked some, but we still have a lot of stuff to work out. We'd both be willing to go to counseling, but it's not something we can really afford right now (that's one reason/excuse for why I've put off seeing my doctor for so long).

    Having my husband home this weekend and all the talking we did helped some, but I know I'll go right back down during the week if I don't change something. I'm going to try to make time to exercise more too, even if it's just on the treadmill while the baby naps, because that helped me a lot.

    Work is still worrying me - I'm a real estate agent, so it's commission only and I basically pay money to keep my license up if I am not selling anything. I am worried I won't be able to work effectively with all of this going on, so I'm debating between going back to work or just putting my license inactive for a few months until I get things straightened out.

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