Friday, July 2, 2010

Leveling Out

I don't know that I can say I'm "feeling better", but I'm way ahead of where I was most of this week. Wednesday was one of the worst days I've ever had, and it was pretty much all emotional and in my head type stuff. Nothing happened to cause or trigger anything that I'm aware of, I was just freaking out and not able to get back in control. Billy yelling at me when I was needing his help did sort of push me past my tipping point, but I was already pretty bad off that day so it's not like that was the only problem.

I've felt more level the past day or two. The first few hours on Wednesday night, I felt really numb. It's kind of surreal now, because I remember holding the gun and smelling powder and being pissed off that I missed, but not actually trying to shoot myself, or even how I got into that sort of space where I would so quickly. There's still a hole in the wall over the headboard, which Billy covered with duct tape for now, because it went through to the outside of the house. That's how I knew it wasn't just a really bad dream when I woke up on Thursday - it seemed so normal - the baby was crying to be changed and fed, and I was there alone. The only things that really seemed different were that my hearing is really bad in my left ear now and my right shoulder was really sore from the way I was holding the gun. I was a little pissed that he just went in to work without even checking on me, but the day went ok. Billy had called my psychiatrist the night before, and he had called back first thing in the morning, but on my house phone, which I hardly ever answer. I wasn't up for returning the message, and was feeling more stable once I checked the answering machine, so I didn't return the call. I'm still afraid of ending up back in the hospital with nobody to watch the baby. Billy offered/threatened to call my parents to come up and help, or to drive me to the hospital, but I didn't want either. I want him to show me he actually cares and will try to help, instead of just calling around to find the first person to pawn me off on.

I spent most of the day just taking it easy, because I felt like I couldn't push myself too hard or really do anything other than just make it through the day until I knew I could keep things under control. It actually turned out to be what I needed - I caught up on sleep, drank a bunch of water and tried to eat decent, and spent most of the day chilling in bed with the baby, letting him nap so I could do the same and playing with him or reading books while he was awake. I also finally made time for a run. I really wanted to get out of the house, but didn't want to handle all of the logistics of packing up the baby and stroller and driving to a trail, and driving in general seemed like a really bad idea at the time (I've been in 4 car wrecks while I was under major stress & having episodes like this, one where I totaled a car and was injured pretty seriously, so I try not to drive when I'm feeling extremely anxious or have been zoning out a lot) . Instead, I queued up some music I like and got on the treadmill. I ended up doing 4.5 miles, alternating walking with (very slow) running. It was further than I meant to go, or thought I could go, but it felt pretty good.

I continued taking it easy today, but did get a little bit of housework done and ran some errands with the hubby. I didn't run or anything, but I did some yoga and a short step aerobics tape with light hand weights. I am hoping if I can keep myself in shape that I can keep my mood up, and burn off some of the negative energy at the same time. I'll probably call my doctor back on Monday as well. I am NOT wanting to go back on meds, but have a feeling I may need to with all this going on. It just scares the crap out of me that I may have another really bad episode, and I feel like I can't rely on my husband to help out, at least as far as I'm concerned. I need to get it together fast, and I guess if it takes medication then it's better than the alternative.


  1. Oh, honey, please call your psychiatrist back or get yourself to the hospital. Thinking of you with much love in my heart.

  2. I'm going to call him Monday morning. It's pretty hard to get up with anyone on a weekend and even if he called in a prescription I couldn't get it filled until then. The hospital here is also more of just a holding area on weekends - nurses on staff and routine, but no therapy appts and few groups because the docs are off, so it wouldn't do much good, but I will go if I start feeling out of control again.

    My husband is home for the weekend, and anything we may do will involved being around people, so I should be ok until then. I feel alright for now, it just mainly gets bad when I'm alone a lot, especially when I'm sleep deprived. I've caught up on sleep the last few days, and that's really helped.

    I will call on Monday though.

  3. I'm so glad. I hope you've gotten a hold of him! I am planning on featuring you in my weekly round-up this week in the hopes that other mamas who have been where you are might be able to offer you some support and hope, but I know this is personal stuff, so please let me know if you'd rather I didn't feauture you. You can email me at Sending you love!!!!

  4. I agree with Muser - please, do whatever you have to do to get help. This is your sickness talking about wanting out, not you. Please take the help of your parents, anything to give yourself a break. Take a chance and reach out for help. You are loved, even if your husband is being an insensitive ass for yelling at you.


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