Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Random Moods, Even More Random Life

Just checking in. Things are pretty good right now, but way weird. I'm not having many symptoms of depression lately, or stereotypical anxiety, but things are definitely "off". I have been having really bad insomnia again, which sucks with a baby, because sleeping when I feel like crashing isn't really an option anymore, and certain anxiety symptoms like getting pissed off at the drop of a hate and not being able to deal with driving or concentrate on things for very long. Still, I am feeling decent overall - not sure if I'm getting used to being all out of sorts, or if it's just such an improvement over being all weird and mixed up, and depressed on top of it.

I've missed a few psych appointments, but will be making one in a week or two, when I can afford it, just to see what's going on and keep things in check (even semi-anxious on a regular basis is not really good, because I tend to start there, get worse, then crash and burn into a whole depressive phase again). I still think a lot of what's going on now has to do with issues with my husband (he's got some serious internet/porn addiction going on that he's really defensive over & is still emotionally abusive in some ways but not as bad as when I was pregnant), but I'm sort of stuck with him, so none of that is going to change any time soon. We really need couple's counseling or something, but he will not listen to anyone who says all of our and his problems are not my fault, and definitely won't help pay for it, so I don't see that working out.

Life otherwise is ok. We have a huge hole in our floor because our heatpump leaked, but at least that means we can put down some new flooring, which is badly needed. the hubby says he's going to fix it himself - we've waited 3 weeks on estimates and repairs and people are dragging their feet. I was going to do some "6 month out" pictures after the whole Discovery Channel show, but I'll wait until the floor is fixed. Right now, things looks cluttered again, because all of our bedroom and nursery furniture has been moved into the living rooms (we'll be reflooring a hallway, part of the bathroom, the nursery, and the spare bedroom). I'm still looking for some regular work to do from home or in the evenings, so I don't have to put the baby in daycare, but there's not much out there.

The baby is doing great. At 6 1/2 months old, he's crawling all over the place, pulling himself up and "cruising" along the edges of the couch, table and whatever else he can reach, and babbling up a storm. He's also eating solids now - mostly steamed and pureed fruits & veggies, but also some food off our plates mashed or chopped into tiny pieces. He's 20 pounds, so I'm really using the baby slings a lot now to help carry him. We're still co-sleeping, so he goes to sleep pretty well, but wakes up too early for my tastes (because I have to get up when he does, and there's no getting him back to sleep once he's up and ready to play in the morning). He's already got a stubborn streak when he wants to do or get something, but that's not surprising either, looking at who his parents are.


  1. Oh, so sorry about the insomnia...that, for me, is the main signal that I'm depressed. And it's so so so hard to have insomnia when you have a baby. :( Any chance of getting some ambien from your doc? Last I checked, the American Academy of Pediatricians listed it as fine for using while breastfeeding (it's out of your system really fast). Thinking of you, dear.

  2. Thanks. For me, it seems to go along more with anxiety, then lead into depression after going too long without enough sleep.

    Ambien doesn't do much for me. It takes several hours to work, even when I'm laying down and relaxed, and then I'll get maybe 2-3 hours of sleep (and those effects were decreasing really fast). The only sleep med that has really worked for me has been Restoril (temeazepam), and I was on a pretty high dosage with it. It's not safe for breastfeeding though, and I'd sleep too hard to be able to get up with the baby if I needed to.

    If I can ever get some of the soreness and physical stuff straightened out, and get back to running and swimming, those seemed to help me sleep almost as much as medication. I just have to wait until the husband is going to have a day he's not working over, because going to the doctors office and bringing the baby along has been pretty pointless.

  3. Hi Raine,

    I found your blog after seeing you on I'm Pregnant And...I was impressed with you and your attitude and the progress you made!

    I'm glad things are better for you than they were a few weeks back, but I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time sleeping. Anxiety and sleeplessness are so hard to deal with, especially when you have a little one.

    Our middle and youngest daughters have special needs and severe developmental delays. And our middle daughter in particular has such a rough time with anxiety and panic attacks. We started her on L-Theanine several months ago. It's an amino acid that's found in green tea. It has helped her tremendously where anti anxiety meds have caused more problems than they're worth. She still has occasional problems with anxiety and panic attacks, but I would say that the Theanine has cut the severity of the attacks by at least 80%, and it has cut down the number by at least as much.

    I researched it quite a bit, and it appears to be safe, or we wouldn't have started her on it. I just thought I'd mention it, in case it's something that might work for you. I know you'll want to research it before trying it, but it might be something worth looking into. You can get it at health food stores, but it's about half price online. I wasn't sure where to buy online, so I asked a friend who orders supplements/vitamins online. She suggested vitacost.com, so I used it. We didn't have any problems at all with our order.

    I hope things continue to get better for you.

  4. Thanks, Judy. I love the taste of green tea and used to drink it a lot, so that is something I'll try. I'll have to check and make sure it's safe for nursing, and I will start taking it if so. I'm really trying to steer clear of the regular meds, because I've had problems when on Zoloft and similar things in the past.

    I'm also trying to get back into walking more, because I slept better when I exercised, but have been having a lot of soreness and stiffness lately so that's hit or miss.


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