Monday, April 9, 2012

... and he never found out!

We'd been together for 9 years. I'd thought about leaving a few times, tried to leave once and came back because it was way past midnight, deer kept jumping out in the road, I was too upset to drive, and I hadn't told anybody I was coming. He found my note, acted like he never knew I was gone, and then made fun of me over it later.

I was struggling with depression and my doctor said that getting away would be a good thing, but I ignored that, too. He started hiding away, locking himself in the bedroom all evening - later, I found out he was spending hours on a fetish "community" online and browsing through craigslist personals. He was short with me when we spoke, sarcastic, hateful, edging on threatening, so I took a second full-time job to be away from home more. I started having panic attacks again, started purging and restricting - people told me I looked good because I lost weight, but I felt like crap because I was severely bulimic again.

And I started trying to save money. Not much saved, because everytime I had money it seemed like something needed buying or fixing and he was suddenly broke so I had to cover it. But enough, and I was making enough that things would be tight but I could rent a small place and support myself if I had to, so long as I kept both jobs. I had a plan, had found out a few places I could rent affordably and take my dog with me, and was slowly figuring out how to make it all work.

Then, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to leave because he'd always made a big deal about having children and said nobody would ever leave and take them away from him. His behavior got worse, his attitude got worse, he didn't touch me at all while I was pregnant - he never hurt me, but there was no love or affection there either, and he was getting deeper into this online world of his. I tried to take care of myself for my baby, forced myself to eat and hold it down, tried to make good choices. Got very sick and lot both jobs, along with my health insurance. Spent the money I'd saved on doctor bills and stuff for the baby.

He treats me better now, halfway decent most of the time and sometimes even acts like he still cares. He loves his son though and is great with him. He spends time with us on weekdays, playing with his son in the evenings, but still locking himself away on the weekends in the bedroom alone with the computer. I'm a stay-at-home mom now. He wants me to work too and earn money, but will not pay for daycare - the plan is for me to care for a toddler all day and work at night, but I can't handle that right now. I'm working from home, doing some writing, getting a few blog ads, not really making ends meet. If I could afford to go back to the doctor and get in treatment again for depression and anxiety, I might be able to make it work, but I can't afford to know. I stay because I can't make it on my own.

I was so close to leaving for good, and he never found out.

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